Specifically: Do you find that you don’t exactly feel faithful? It’s possible to understand the whole concept of monogamy and agree to it, but not fully feel it. People describe this phenomenon as feeling like they have a chip missing. They simply don’t get it deep down.
Arguably, there’s nothing missing or wrong with individuals who don’t feel completely faithful. It’s just another way to be. But, if their 100% monogamous partners find out about this, they will typically be outraged, devastated and condemnatory. For them, there’s something seriously wrong when fidelity does not compute. That’s because it puts them at risk. And they question what is wrong with them; they ask if they’re not enough.
The issue, however, doesn’t revolve around the partner or the quality of the love in the relationship. It revolves around the person whose loving feelings don’t completely centralize and focus. Instead, their feelings wander a little or a lot. This doesn’t mean the individual acts on the feelings. Often, he/she feels quite upset, ashamed and unsettled about the fact that attraction, love or lust just comes over him/her for someone other than his/her partner.
So, what do you do if you don’t exactly feel faithful and you’re in a committed relationship? Well, you can deal with your contrary emotions. When you’re at work and you’d much rather be sailing, you reckon with yourself and stay at work. You can look into polyamory and see if it suits you. If it does and you have or want a monogamous partner, then you have some issues and decisions in front of you.
Although it’s very difficult to avoid criticizing yourself when you don’t exactly feel faithful, it’s very important that you do. You may be trying to use self-blame as a means of controlling your impulses and behavior. It’s better if you just put limits on yourself if that’s the way you want to handle it.
If you can, try to be kind to yourself and understand how you think and feel. Then you’ll have a solid appreciation of who you are and what you want and need in your love relationships. That’s a really good start.
- SOS: “I do not feel like having sex with my partner” Article at S.O.S Mujer
- Friends with benefits beware.